Breaking Down
by Aunt Bran
Summary: This is a sort of silly parody of Breaking Dawn, written to help pass the time while I'm waiting for the movie!  I've taken some liberties with...well, pretty much everyone.  Bella starts out driving a real tank, and it gets crazier from there.


Bella pushed the start button and felt the clutch vibrate as the 500 hp engine kicked in. She banged her head as 32 tons of metal tank lurched forward, flattening a dark blue Toyota Corolla and a speed limit sign in a screech of grinding metal. She was grateful for the padded helmet Eddie had insisted on when he bought her the restored T-34 Russian tank. She reached forward to grasp one of the two steering sticks and corrected her trajectory, then stalled the engine. She restarted it and pulled back sharply on the left stick, slewing the monster in that direction as the brake engaged.

As Bella eased out the clutch, the behemoth started rumbling down the street…backwards. Unfortunately, the only view port was in front. As it staggered across the sidewalk and onto the lawn, Alice watched in horror. "Bella! Stop!" she screamed, as the 85 mm gun swung around and took off the roof of the bungalow.

"Shit! It's the LEFT stick!" Bella moaned as the tracks resolutely ate up the ground, never hesitating as they rolled over the remainder of Alice's cabin. Bella cut the engine and shimmied out the turret top, climbing down the wheels and tracks, and planted her feet firmly on the ground. She pulled out her cell phone and speed-dialed Eddie. "No. More. Armor." She disconnected, cutting off his response in mid-whine, and stomped off, leaving the tank in the middle of the wreckage.

"Do you realize what you've done?" Alice shrieked. "That's where all my off-season clothes were stored!" She grabbed a handful of Bella's hair and yanked, just as the silver Volvo careened around the corner and screeched to a stop. Alice ran to the tank, detached brown ringlets clutched tightly in her fist, and kicked a large dent in the armor plating.

Edward was comforting Bella, who was on the verge of hysteria. "Look what she did to my hair!" she sobbed, as blood started to drip from her scalp, down the side of her face.

Edward blanched, any trace of color draining from his pale face. He backed away, his fangs flashing wickedly, and yelled to Bella, "Call Carlisle! He'll know what to do!" He leaped over the stalled tank with a growl, headed straight for Alice. She took off in a blur of color and motion, Edward hot on her heels.

Bella stood in the middle of the road and cried until a black SUV had to swerve around her. The driver leaned on the horn and yelled angrily out the window. She stumbled to the sidewalk and pulled out her phone again, this time dialing the Cullen house.

Carlisle gently inspected the wound in his home office. "There's not much I can do, Bella. There's nothing there to stitch," he muttered. "Alice is in big trouble!"

"But I'm getting married tomorrow!" Bella wailed.

Carlisle patted her arm. "Alice caused the problem, Bella, so she can figure out how to fix it." Just then the front door slammed and Alice came stomping in. Carlisle called to her. "Do you see what you did to Bella?" he asked angrily.

Alice inspected Bella's head, pursing her lips. "She asked for it, Carlisle. Besides, I have problems of my own!" She turned toward the wall, giving them a sudden view of the side of her head. Her left ear had been completely ripped off.

Carlisle raised an eyebrow. "Edward?"

Alice nodded. "I could have put it back, but he threw it off the cliff into the water, and I couldn't find it. Probably fish food," she grumbled. She looked at Bella and shrugged. "Looks like we need to adjust our hairstyles for tomorrow."

The day of the wedding dawned cold and drizzly. The vampires and wolves barely noticed, but Bella was furious. She threw a box of cereal at Charlie as she stomped out of the house and into Alice's yellow sports car, slamming the door. When they arrived at the Cullen house, Alice looked at Bella's hair and shook her head. "That's going to be pretty hard to camouflage," she sighed.

"Maybe you should have thought of that yesterday," Bella suggested sweetly just as Rosalie burst into the room with a hatbox in her hands. She opened it with a flourish, and Bella peered inside. Curled up on top of the Styrofoam head in the box was what appeared to be either a small mammal or a large rodent. Bella squeaked and took a step back, tripping over her own feet and landing on her butt.

Rosalie sneered. "For heaven's sake, Bella, it's a wig! It will certainly look better than that hole in your head!"

Alice peeked in the box. "Well, I guess it's better than your real hair. Let's see what we can do with it."

By the time the sisters got Bella dressed, coiffed and made up, the guests had started to arrive. As the string quartet played Pachelbel's Canon, the bridesmaids led the procession, followed by the blushing bride. Emmett, who had been looking at Edward, turned toward the back of the room and glanced at Bella.

His eyes widened in horror at the sight of a strange animal on her head, and he leaped across the front row of guests and landed on Bella with a loud "whump." He sank his teeth into the unfortunate wig, shaking it from side to side before he realized it wasn't moving.

There was not a sound in the large room full of people. Emmett lifted his head, the limp wig swinging mournfully from his fangs, and gently removed it from his mouth and tried to put it back on Bella's head. Alice sprang to her aid, smoothing the brown curls around her face, as Emmett coughed up and spit out several small clumps of fur.

The rest of the ceremony was without incident, and the human guests enjoyed a sumptuous buffet.

As soon as the last guest had left, Edward and Bella retired to his bedroom on the second floor of the Cullens' large house. Emmett and Rosalie were playing pinochle in the next room. It didn't take superhuman senses to overhear the commotion.

Thump. Crash. "OW!" "Sorry." Bump. "Shit!" "Sorry." "Ouch!" Shrill scream. "Not there, you idiot!" "Oops." Moan. Crunch. Grunt. Sigh.

Emmett shot a pointed look at Rosalie. She picked up the cards and the score pad and moved their game downstairs to the dining room.

The next morning, Bella limped out of the bedroom. She had dark circles under her eyes, and all the skin that was visible on her body was bruised in varying shades of blue and purple. Everyone tried to avoid direct eye contact, so they concentrated on the small bump that had mysteriously appeared between her hips.

The baby bump grew quickly, and Bella craved cookies. She must have eaten a ton of them in the eight weeks of her pregnancy. One day she'd have chocolate chip for breakfast, gingerbread for lunch, and snickerdoodles for dinner. The next day she'd rearrange them, but all she wanted was cookies.

Carlisle tried to warn her. "We just don't know what's growing in there, Bella," he explained at the very beginning. "It could be some kind of monster, with a vampire father and a human mother." Bella nodded, wrapping her hands protectively around the bump, and continued to dream of blue-eyed, rosy-cheeked cherubs.

Bella's pregnancy was progressing with amazing speed. By the time she was eight weeks along, she could barely get out of a chair unaided. Carlisle kept meticulous records of her pregnancy and tried his best to be prepared for anything, but it turned out none of them were ready for Bella's offspring.

That day she woke at the usual time and came downstairs looking for Edward. He was in the kitchen talking to Esme, and he turned and smiled at her. "No cookies today?" he asked, reaching his hand out to her. She dodged his hand and perched on a kitchen chair.

"I'm not feeling well, Eddie," she whined. "I have this tickling sensation, and it's driving me crazy." She squirmed on the chair as Edward and Esme looked on with concern. Suddenly, she doubled over in pain as a strong contraction ripped through her body.

"I'll call Carlisle and have him take a look at you," Esme offered. She dialed his office and asked him to come right home, and he arrived within minutes. He put his arm around Bella's shoulders and led her into his home office, where he told her to put on a gown and sit up on the bed.

"It looks like you're in labor, Bella," he explained calmly. There's no way of telling how long it will take. She groaned again, and he looked at his watch. "If that's any indication, you're progressing pretty quickly. Try to lie back and rest between contractions."

By the time a half hour had passed, the contractions were coming steadily. As soon as one had passed, another one was building. Carlisle told Esme to find Edward. "Okay, Bella, it's time to have this baby. With the next contraction, give a good, hard push, okay?"

Bella nodded, her teeth clenched in pain. As the next contraction started to build, she groaned and pushed with all her might, barely stifling a scream. Carlisle's attention was centered between her legs, and with his gloved hands, he gently eased a fuzzy blue ball of fur out of the birth canal as Bella arched her back, fists clenched in the sheets. You could have heard a pin drop as everyone in the room waited to hear a cry from the baby, who finally uttered a single word. "Cooookie!"

(If anyone doesn't know what the baby looks like, go to my profile and click on the link)


End file.
